


Disintegration

by thelivingbird



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Angst, Daemon Separation, F/M, Vacation, academic marisa, asriel out of his element, pseudo honeymoon gone bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelivingbird/pseuds/thelivingbird
Summary: Marisa goes to Egypt for some work and Asriel accompanies her in what he thought would be a chance to get prolonged alone time with her. Someone lets themselves be emotionally vulnerable and pays the price for it.
Relationships: Lord Asriel/Marisa Coulter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Disintegration

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Effie for all the proofreading, suggestions, and encouragement (mostly for rebranding my "cut and dry" style to the more flattering term "surgical" haha)

“I think this is the first time we’ve shared a bed just for sleeping,” Asriel grumbled as he pulled at his shirt to unstick from his chest. He hadn’t even stepped out into the sun yet and already he was dabbing little beads off his forehead with a spare cloth. Marisa, on the other hand, looked cool as she put her day bag together. “I reached out to you in the night and I felt you flinch away.”

“Look at yourself, Asriel. I think you soaked through to the mattress. It hardly inspires lust,” she locked eyes with him in the mirror, “Besides, I told you I would be busy and tired with my work. Yet, you still wanted to come along.”

“I heard Egypt was romantic,” he shrugged.

“This isn’t a vacation.”

“Right,” Asriel collected his things, not quite sure if he had all he needed for the day and made a show to leave the room, “I should be off for my own work, then. Very exclusive arrangements made with very high up people.”

Marisa didn’t even glance back, “Oh, I’m sure.”

Not wanting to humiliate himself by simply turning around, Asriel forced himself out into the relentless heat. Marisa had mocked him for keeping to his precious north for all his research and now he was paying for it. “The rest of the world might have something to offer you, if you deigned to see it.” Then she suddenly went cold as soon as he offered to accompany her to Egypt. He thought she would change her mind once they had arrived, but the past few days she had been avoiding him. Even as they unpacked from the journey, he could sense her glaring at him. They hardly saw each other during the day, really only having time to share a meal. Asriel went so far as to swallow his pride and attempted a couple romantic evenings with candlelight and dinner under the stars in order to seduce Marisa. Even if he managed to get her on top of him she would get up suddenly and dash off to who knows where for more work nonsense, not that Asriel was allowed the ask. It was one of the conditions of being “tolerated enough” to accompany her. The other night Asriel had fallen asleep alone, only to wake up and find her curled on her side of the bed.

Even in those small moments, it was fascinating to see this different side of Marisa. There were no games with her here. She communicated with people directly and succinctly. With her schedule so tightly packed together she didn’t have time or need to give any attention to any deep pocketed officials. It was a bubble where any performance was for herself. Asriel only wished he could see more of it.

Stelmaria pulled at Asriel to go to the shade. He had tried to make the most of his time here, but he didn’t really know where to begin. He was out of his element, to say the least and his daemon wasn’t doing much better. What he had done to occupy his time was something he never wanted to be discovered doing: being a tourist. Gawking at things that had already been discovered by other people and not even allowed to touch or examine, it was so degrading.

Unable to take the shame for too long he had spent lazy hours strolling along, taking in the scenery. It really was a beautiful place; he just didn’t know what to do with it. There was a small river in front of him, inconsequential really, but even that had already been mapped and written about in some book that was decades old. Asriel was writing in his notebook, thinking himself utterly alone, when he felt the cortisol release in his body. He needed to be that damn lecture in five minutes in what would take at least be a half an hour journey.

Running down the aisle, he stopped when he saw the incessant tapping of a heeled foot. Though she certainly heard his rushed footsteps, she refused to turn around and only grimaced as he squeezed past her aisle seat to sit by her. Stelmaria simply climbed over the back of the seats, but even the golden monkey was ignoring her.

“Don’t be upset, it’s not like you haven’t forced me to attend the exact same clock lecture back in Oxford,” he muttered.

“Shush, Asriel,” she whispered back, “This scholar actually holds opposing views to the one we saw back in Brytain.”

“How can that be, it’s _clocks_? What’s the debate about?” Noting the flare of her nostrils, Asriel realized he needed to test exactly how angry Marisa was about him being tardy. He rested a hand on her thigh and figured a broken finger would be a pretty good indicator. A few seconds later, with a hand still intact, but ultimately ignored, Asriel decided to push his luck a little further and push his hand up a little further. With a brief closing of the eyes a twitch of her lips, Asriel thought all was forgiven. The grating voice of the speaker was turning into a gentle drone, but then she pushed his hand from her thigh.

“I actually want to focus,” she looked him in the eye, “You can practice patience.”

It felt like an eternity until they were freed from the lecture hall. At dinner, Marisa started in on the tokay right away. One hand rested on her daemon. Asriel couldn’t tell if she was stroking his fur or pulling at it. Though his shoes crunched against the ground, Marisa didn’t turn at the noise. He felt the compulsion to reach out and touch her cheek to make sure she registered his presence.

Even with the contact, she barely moved, only closing her eyes. Her brows were furrowed and she looked as if she was about to be sick. 

Asriel filled his glass. He decided he wouldn’t speak until she initiated the conversation. After all these days of putting in the effort it was her turn to make herself foolish for him. Instead of filling the silence, Marisa just looked at Asriel for a moment. What she was making her mind up about, he couldn’t say. Whatever it was made her chuckle to herself. Stelmaria cautiously lied down beside the golden monkey who relaxed into her immediately.

Marisa sighed again, “There’s something I want to show you tonight. Some people I’ve met, last time I was here, have invited me back this evening and I want you to come with me.”

“I thought we were avoiding work talk while we are here.”

“I think it’s time to lift the ban,” she half smiled. She was avoiding prolonged eye contact with Asriel, and it was making him agitated. “Besides, I think it is pointless to pretend like you haven’t been stuck in crowds waiting to look at objects in glass cases all day.”

“Have you been sending spies after me?” Asriel laughed.

“Asriel, you know no one here except me.”

The food came before Asriel could defend his honor. Asriel was famished and immediately stuffed his mouth. Though he continued watching Marisa out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t like seeing her subdued and she seemed all too grateful for the peace and quiet. When the meal was done, she had taken to devoting her attention back to her daemon instead of Asriel.

“Are you going to blindfold me before we get to wherever you’re taking me?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“It was a joke, Marisa.”

“Ah,” she bit her lip. She stood up so suddenly the creak of the chair against the floor made Asriel jolt. Asriel had to suppress the urge to react when she held out her hand to take his, “Let’s go.”

Asriel wiped the sweat off his palm before responding to the gesture. She practically pulled at him to get up, moving at a quick pace as they moved away from the candlelight of the table and into the now dark horizon.

There was a car waiting for them. The driver didn’t even move from his seat as they got in the car. Marisa grabbed the door and gestured for Asriel to get inside. For a moment, he thought she was going to send him away again so she could go off on her own. When she closed the door behind them, the car immediately began to move.

“Marisa, what is this?”

She squeezed his hand a little tighter, “You may have heard of whispers of this before today. I promise it isn’t as frightening as any of those rumors.”

A rare sensation consumed Asriel. He was at a loss for words. Part of him wondered if this was all a ruse so that Marisa could get him isolated. Tie up loose ends of the affair. There was logic to the simplicity of it. No one knew they had travelled here together. She seemed melancholy at dinner. At least he could take solace in that she felt some trepidation at the idea of killing him.

The car slowed. In the distance Asriel could see lights of a meeting place. So, she wasn’t getting rid of him. Or she had a team of people ready to do it for her.

“Don’t say anything unless they talk to you,” she warned him, “It was hard enough to convince them to let you come with me.” Her daemon was twitching at her side. Asriel never realized how black his eyes were.

Marisa finally let go of Asriel’s hand as they left the car. She walked ahead and greeted some of the people in the distance. The interaction looked familiar, yet formal. Asriel felt all eyes turn on him. The moment stretched on for longer than it should before Asriel was beckoned to join everyone.

“Lord Asriel, pleasure to meet you.” The man who gripped his had a smile that looked to be permanently stuck in place. He looked more like a shark than a friendly face.

“Forgive me,” Asriel started, “I haven’t been informed of your name.”

“Just Bomani, is fine.”

Asriel looked at the men to Bomani’s side. They remained silent. Their eyes, though reflecting the light around them, looked bottomless. No one but Bomani registered Asriel’s presence at all.

“Don’t worry about the rest of them. They’re more the quiet type.” Bomani imitated a laugh. Asriel saw Marisa shift uncomfortably in her stance. “Please take a seat. I’ll be with you two after, should you need anything just shout.” Asriel held his tongue to ask exactly what “after’ meant.

They walked in silence as they were guided to their seats with a small table between them. He took in the scenery. There were other observers scattered at their own tables. Well dressed, wealthy people. Smart enough to keep their faces obscured. Asriel was reaching his threshold for all the suspense and mystery. He had to unclench his jaw before he spoke, “Now, will you just speak to me to directly?”

This time, Marisa held his gaze as she spoke low and hurried, “You’ve heard of separation, haven’t you?”

The word hit him in the chest. It was an ugly practice. A form of torture. If that is what they were there for, Asriel had no interest in it. “Of course, I have.”

Stelmaria let out a growl. Before their eyes a boy, old enough to have a settled daemon but still quite young. Both he and his daemon were bound. Two of the men Asriel had seen by Bomani’s side were holding them. Both boy and daemon, breaking the taboo without hesitation. While there were few people out here, a level of tension was felt in the air as if there was a crowd. The men began to pull the child apart. Asriel himself struggled to take his eyes away, but he was entranced even as the boy screamed in pain. The men tasked with this hardly even strained themselves in the act. The distance between human and daemon grew and grew until at once, both collapsed to the ground. Asriel couldn’t tell if the wave he felt was from his own shock or from a real shift in energy in the air.

Asriel had his head between his knees before he realized it. The sickness came on quickly. It was a nightmare, surely it had to be. What possible crime could the boy have committed to endure such a fate? Forcing himself to look up, Asriel saw he had somehow survived the process. The boy swayed on his feet readjusting to the shift in gravity. Bomani had approached him and whispered something in his ear, but the boy didn’t look afraid. He just nodded calmly, absently. When Bomani turned his eyes in Asriel’s direction, Asriel felt the need to hold up his hand in protection.

“My friends,” Bomani approached, “I told you there is perfection in the ease.”

“But what of his mind,” Marisa spoke calmly, unphased, or acting as if she was, “Is he just another one of _them_?”

Bomani exhaled sharply, “The work doesn’t concern such things. We’ve tested them before, and even if we push them, take months to do so, it ultimately comes to the same result. We can’t afford the time it takes to stretch their muscles as you have, Mrs. Coulter.”

Asriel finally looked up from the ground, nausea be damned. Marisa was watching him for a reaction, unsatisfied finding none on his face while her own had gone pale putting the pieces together. Stelmaria distanced herself from the golden monkey.

“I’m interested in long term benefits.”

“And yet you have still found no way to achieve that and I’m the one who can build an army. So, it seems once again, I’m the one who can name my price and I have less stubborn bidders to enjoy.”

Marisa scribbled something down in her notebook and tore off the page. When Bomani saw whatever she wrote, he smiled.

“I’ll be speaking to another one of your envoys soon, I see?”

“I have other matters to attend to.”

Bomani finally acknowledged Asriel, “And what did you think Lord Asriel? Impressed by my men? The quiet ones can become the most formidable, no?”

Asriel’s throat was dry as he spoke, “The broken ones are often the most obedient.” The creaking of his voice may have lessened their impact on Bomani, but he watched as Marisa grimaced at the comment. Bomani, feeling superior, left to make his rounds for the other mysterious voyeurs of the evening. Asriel wanted to go. He would swim back to Oxford if he could, but Marisa grabbed his wrist.

“You may not see it now, but this is the future.”

“What have you _done_ , Marisa?”

The golden monkey reached out for Stelmaria to return to him. “I’ve evolved. Look at me, I’m not mindless like those men you see before you. I trained, I worked at what I’ve become.”

Asriel pulled himself away from her grip, “This is vile work.”

Marisa took hope in the fact that Asriel shared the car back to their quarters. He easily had the temperament to storm off into the night, even if he didn’t know where he was going. He could be reasoned with. This is what she held onto.

He kept his back to her as he stripped off his filthy clothes from the day. Nothing about this place seemed to be agreeing with him. She knew enthusiasm was overly optimistic, but she thought the night would at least spark his curiosity. She thought he could appreciate it for what it was, what it meant, even if he hated it. They could debate, fight, but this silence… was unbearable.

“I’m the same woman you’ve known this whole time. This happened long before I met you.” She waited for him to respond with something, even a look, good or bad, just something. In an unfamiliar play she called her daemon to her side. “We’re still one. He and I.”

His voice was far more neutral than she wanted, “When did it start?”

Marisa glanced at her daemon, “We were fifteen.”

“And what? You practiced?”

“Small distances at a time, yes.”

“And how do you know? How do you know you haven’t lost anything? Maybe you’re just an empty shell and don’t know any different.”

If she could, she would shrink herself down. Marisa knew what it felt like to be looked through, but never before by him. His eyes were cast in shadow and she was grateful to not get the full intensity, or lack thereof, of his gaze.

Both Asriel and his daemon moved without warning. He grabbed Marisa by the chin. “Do you feel this? Like I feel this?”

“You know I do,” she muttered.

“No. No I don’t,” and he crashed himself into her. Taking the touch for more than it was, Marisa clawed at him back. Maybe if she held on tightly enough, she would repair the connection that had so quickly been damaged between them. And maybe it wasn’t damaged at all, just a reassessment of things. Surely, an understanding as deep as theirs couldn’t vanish over one evening.

Asriel pulled at her clothes, ignoring her attempts to help remove them. As he took her to the bed, he was already working his way down her body. Marisa tried to pull his face to hers, even just for a look, but each time he growled and preferred instead to bury himself in her neck, her breasts, her thighs. He was being rougher than usual, dangerously teetering on the line of her pain threshold. To keep herself sane, Marisa reminded herself that this meant he still needed her, despite the rage that was burning within him. Asriel was still loving her even if he didn’t want to admit it anymore.

Marisa wouldn’t complain. She thought of the bruises she would encounter in the morning and only continued to encourage him. Every kiss was biting. Every touch was clawing. For the first time since they arrived, Marisa felt truly suffocated by the ever-present heat in the air. It was as if the gravitational pull of the earth decided to focus its attentions solely around her neck. Asriel’s grunts sounded pained as he collapsed to his elbows. Close enough now, Marisa got in her own scratches on the back of his neck timing the strike perfectly with Asriel finishing inside of her.

Marisa pushed her hands through his hair and pulled him to face her. He kept his eyes shut and didn’t move a muscle. Even as she kissed him, he was still. She kissed his cheeks, his eyes, all over his face, “Don’t you see? Nothing has to change. It’s alright.” Though as her eyes strayed from Asriel, she saw Stelmaria curled up alone, shrugging off the caresses of her golden monkey.

Asriel’s eyes fluttered open, if just halfway, but it was enough. He rested his hands on either side of her head and let out a breath Marisa didn’t realize he was holding in. “I don’t know why you would… how you could still be… Marisa.”

“I’m here,” she murmured in his ear.

He rolled out of the bed and away from her words. “Who can sleep in this heat? I need a bath.”

Marisa squeezed her eyes shut and prayed for sleep to take her. She stayed that way for a long while. Long enough that she was still awake when Asriel returned. She didn’t know if her pride could take another hit, but still she inched over to him.

Cold water still dripped from his hair and was running sideways down his back. She brushed a few droplets out of the way before kissing him lightly on the shoulder. Marisa braced herself to watch him pull away again or at least send some sharp words her way. What she didn’t expect, was seeing Asriel turn to face her.

“We won’t talk about it anymore.”

“But I want to.”

“Marisa, please,” Asriel shook his head, “You were right. Nothing has to change, but I can’t… It’s disgusting talk.”

It took everything inside of Marisa to keep the muscles on her face from moving. The words seemed to leave his mouth like toxins and they were working their way slowly through her head making her sick with shame. Disgusting. The word was embedding itself in the folds of her brain at that very moment with the heat of a branding iron. She knew she should be grateful. He was offering the truth to her. All he asked for in return was her silence. So, she let him hold her then, if only so she could look beyond him.

Stelmaria welcoming the golden monkey back by her side. Marisa could hear her daemon whimper as he tried to keep himself from shaking.

“Okay,” she said.

In the morning, Marisa wrote to Edward. She was sitting up in bed, writing the letter on the back a notebook making sure to get to start before Asriel woke, but not finishing the letter until after. For when he did open his eyes, he leaned over to look at the paper and was greeted with the flowery language of a wife writing a love letter to her beloved and dearly missed husband.

“Charming,” he quipped as he pulled the sheet off her body. His fingers traced the scratches on her side. “Revenge is it? Greeting me in the morning like this.”

“I can’t spend all this time away from my husband without writing him now and then.”

“Perhaps I was too impulsive,” Asriel brushed his lips against a particularly red mark, “Perhaps what would be best for us is if I took a journey of my own. Just for a short while. Clear our heads.”

“You want to leave?” Marisa kept her eyes trained on her letter.

“A week. Maybe more. I’m a novice here. I don’t know what to do with my days.”

Marisa considered making a plea. She would take the time off and show him around herself, but no. Her time here was precious and her work too important. Wasting a valuable opportunity by tending to a rift between lovers would be pathetic. “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

Though she didn’t expect him to go so soon. After breakfast he threw his things together and he marched off. She noticed his hand affectionately petting his daemon during the meal. Marisa’s own daemon tucked himself by her chair, but knew better than to reach for her.

Not that any of that made a difference. Marisa spent the following weeks in virtually the same way she did those first few days with Asriel. She was deep in her work, deep into fruitless negotiations with Bomani, and often found herself back in her quarters only to fall immediately asleep. Once or twice she received short letters, a generous term for them, they were more like notes scribbled on the back of scraps. Asriel was quickly moving through the continent on his own. He even thanked Marisa for her words of encouragement from months ago telling him to see more of the world.

It was on the back of a playing card that he informed he would return the following evening. Six weeks after he departed. Mere days before they were to return to Brytain. Time had been moving fast and slow at once, yet Marisa felt the stinging point of Asriel spending what was meant to be nearly two months alone together, apart. It would certainly make for an interesting reunion. Especially considering Marisa’s period was late.

Asriel seemed to glow at dinner. “I think I’ve finally adjusted to this life.”

“A shame we’ll have to go so soon.”

Asriel groaned, “If we need to have a fight, let’s have it out now.”

“Fight or no fight, you’ll still be a father before the year is out.” It wasn’t how she expected to reveal the news, but better to let it slip out quickly than dramatize and agonize over either of their feelings.

“This is a new and creative form of punishment from you,” Asriel downed his tokay.

“I’m telling the truth,” she spoke dryly, “It happened the night you were so _disgusted_ by me. And now we’ll share a child because of it.”

He stared at her, certainly trying to work out if this was some new game or not. Whatever glow he had left his face. She could see his jaw clenching and unclenching, “We were here for only a few days. How do you know it’s not-“

“Because up until a few days before we left, I was bleeding. And those few days in between, I was lying to Edward that I was still bleeding.” Marisa couldn’t stop the venom from pouring out of her mouth, “I see your Stelmaria is upset. She’ll have to speak with my damaged goods about the name for the child’s daemon. What do you think they’ll name it? Malice? Spite?”

“Stop,” Asriel spat.

“Is this another forbidden topic, darling? Shall we forget together again? I do hope this doesn’t become a habit with you. There are only so many secrets a person can keep and you and I are starting quite a collection just between the two of us.”

“Please,” Asriel slammed his fists on the table, “Let me think!”

Although the parasite growing within her was a dark cloud on Marisa’s thoughts, the sun briefly broke through as she watched Asriel suffer and grapple with the knowledge as she was forced to do all alone.

“I’ll come up with a plan. There’s time to prepare before we get back. Nothing needs to change.”

“That seems to be the mantra of this trip.”

Asriel glared at her and for a moment Marisa did not revel in her torment.

Alone again in their quarters, Marisa could feel Asriel’s eyes on her belly as she changed into a nightgown.

“There’s nothing to see yet.”

“I don’t want you to raise it as Edward’s.”

Marisa scoffed, “How can I not?”

“I won’t have my child take the Coulter name. I can’t watch that man take credit for what’s mine.”

“Your concern is your ego?” Marisa laughed.

“Is it not yours?”

“My concern is survival.” It might have been the truest thing Marisa Coulter had ever said. The weight of the veracity of that comment was felt in the room. “You know what I think is best. If you have other ideas, please feel free to pursue them. If you can find a way to take this thing off my hands, I’ll welcome it.”

Asriel crossed his arms and looked at Marisa sideways. It sent a sickly feeling through her skin, but she wouldn’t look away for fear of defeat. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but seemed to change his mind. It almost sent Marisa into a frenzy. Speak, shout, now. Now or I’ll rip you limb from limb. Instead she focused on folding her clothes neatly and placing them away.

There was special attention taken to ignoring Asriel in those next few moments. Marisa was ready to shut her eyes asleep, but Asriel pulled her hips until she was sitting on his lap. He growled into her neck, “You’ve always been a monster, haven’t you?” It was an ugly thing to say, Marisa thought, but she welcomed it as if it was the most tender words a person had ever uttered. She took a moment to trace his lips with her fingers. His eyes remained open to her.

“Yes,” Marisa sighed, “Always.”

They stood quietly as the boat pulled them from the shore. Their figures were motionless, watching and waiting for the land to completely disappear before uttering a single sound or giving a single gesture. It was a comfortable silence, knowing full well they could hardly hope for another peaceful moment in the near future.

“Will you _sever_ ties with me when the time comes?”

“If that’s what it takes.”


End file.
